Straight guy reveals how chugging a bottle of hot sauce led his mom to think he was gay
We all screw up in some ways, and for one straight guy a dare with a bottle of hot sauce led to a shitty situation.
Writing on Reddit’s Today I Fucked Up, he said the dare’s consequences led to his mother thinking that he’s gay.
‘Here’s some background: My parents are very very old fashioned. They both come from Slavic origin and are stuck in their ways on the topic of homosexuality. I myself am not homosexual, but will have a hard time trying to explain that to my family whenever they come around,’ he wrote.
‘The fuckup began yesterday night when while hanging out with my friends I made the stupid decision of chugging a half full bottle of hot sauce on dare.
‘I knew the consequences at the moment: searing hot mouth, watery eyes, the works. Little did I know the consequences the next morning would bring.
‘Little did I know the consequences the next morning would bring [after drinking a bottle of hot sauce].’
‘I woke up to the sharpest searing pain in my stomach and the feeling I wanted to throw up. I thought it was because I was sick because I had never experienced this kind of pain from anything other than sicknesses.’
When we went for the laxatives and Tylenol, he was finally able to get it out of his system.
‘Within 30 minutes I was in the bathroom proceeding to have both the most satisfyingly smooth but painful shit of my entire existence,’ the Reddit user added.
It was nearing the end of my jalapeno shitfest when by habit I grabbed my phone. I had missed calls from my friends and I quickly remembered I promised to hang with them because summer is nearing for us soon. I wasn’t too worried about my parents, my mom was working till 6 and my dad had an appointment.
‘I quickly wiped my ass, grabbed 50 bucks and left to go hang.’
That was a mistake.
‘Fast forward like 2 hours and my ass becomes an inferno. I think it’s a combination of the spicy shit I took and the fact that I wiped a bit quicker than usual,’ he added.
‘Regardless I can’t wipe it now that I’m hanging out with friends, I need to use baby wipes or take a cold shower or something. It starts off bad but as the hangout progresses so does the pain. by the end of the night my asshole feels like Satan himself is ripping it to shreds. It hurt to sit, it hurt to stand and by god it hurt when I occasionally had to fart.
‘I tried to have a good night and pretend nothing was wrong but the fact that the sun itself was exiting my pooper really put a damper on my mood. I got home late at night, a lot later than usual and before I could even say anything to my parents I ran to the bathroom to soothe my raw anus.
‘I pulled down my pants and began to spray the coldest water imaginable at my butt. At first the contrast between hot and cold hurt, but as I adjusted it became heaven.
‘I began slowly cleaning my ass with a bodywash and shampoo mixture and it felt utterly amazing, the closest thing I can compare it too is a angel kissing your ass.
‘Little did I know I forgot to lock the door in the rush. With my hand rubbing my ass, my eyes closed and letting out a soft satisfying moan my mother walked in.’
Sidenote: Why is the mom walking in when you’re taking a shower?
‘She was probably worried because I never come home and ran to shower that fast, I made it a habit to say hi to her when I came back, so her concern was understandable,’ he said.
‘Still I can only imagine the look on her face as I basically fingered myself. I only realized when it was too late and she had left to tell my dad.
‘I quickly scrambled to get out of the shower and I heard my mom downstairs, crying on the couch while my dad consolidated her.
‘I heard her say something along the lines of, “now how will we ever have grandchildren?”.’
‘Now I’m sitting in my room trying to plan out my course of action but waiting has probably worried them more…hopefully my family will understand before they call all of my relatives.’