英语小故事:因为半瓶辣椒酱,妈妈以为我是gay

2020年2月19日
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Straight guy reveals how chugging a bottle of hot sauce led his mom to think he was gay

因为半瓶辣椒酱,妈妈以为我是gay

We all screw up in some ways, and for one straight guy a dare with a bottle of hot sauce led to a shitty situation.

我的父母非常保守,他们是斯拉夫裔,对同性恋有自己的一套看法。我是个直男,但现在我要想着如何跟他们解释这一点。

Writing on Reddit’s Today I Fucked Up, he said the dare’s consequences led to his mother thinking that he’s gay.

‘Here’s some background: My parents are very very old fashioned. They both come from Slavic origin and are stuck in their ways on the topic of homosexuality. I myself am not homosexual, but will have a hard time trying to explain that to my family whenever they come around,’ he wrote.

故事要从昨晚说起。当时正跟朋友吹水的我做出了一个愚蠢的决定——喝下半瓶辣椒酱。辣椒酱一下肚我被辣哭了,嘴里像被火烧过一样,我只知道当时感觉很糟糕。但我不知道的是第二天早上将要发生的事情。

‘The fuckup began yesterday night when while hanging out with my friends I made the stupid decision of chugging a half full bottle of hot sauce on dare.

‘I knew the consequences at the moment: searing hot mouth, watery eyes, the works. Little did I know the consequences the next morning would bring.

故事要从昨晚说起。当时正跟朋友吹水的我做出了一个愚蠢的决定——喝下半瓶辣椒酱。辣椒酱一下肚我被辣哭了,嘴里像被火烧过一样,我只知道当时感觉很糟糕。但我不知道的是第二天早上将要发生的事情。

‘Little did I know the consequences the next morning would bring [after drinking a bottle of hot sauce].’
‘I woke up to the sharpest searing pain in my stomach and the feeling I wanted to throw up. I thought it was because I was sick because I had never experienced this kind of pain from anything other than sicknesses.’

When we went for the laxatives and Tylenol, he was finally able to get it out of his system.

第二天醒来时,我感觉胃里刺疼,特别想吐。我以为自己生病了,因为除了生病的时候,我从来没有过这样的感觉。后来我吃了泻药和解热镇痛药,这才好了一些。

‘Within 30 minutes I was in the bathroom proceeding to have both the most satisfyingly smooth but painful shit of my entire existence,’ the Reddit user added.

It was nearing the end of my jalapeno shitfest when by habit I grabbed my phone. I had missed calls from my friends and I quickly remembered I promised to hang with them because summer is nearing for us soon. I wasn’t too worried about my parents, my mom was working till 6 and my dad had an appointment.

‘I quickly wiped my ass, grabbed 50 bucks and left to go hang.’

30分钟后,我在厕所里迎来了这辈子最舒服又最痛苦的一次排泄运动。排泄运动到达尾声的时候,我习惯性地抓起自己的手机,发现错过了朋友们的好几通电话,我这才想起自己跟他们约好了要出去玩。我妈要到6点才下班,而我爸有个商务约会,所以我没想太多,擦了擦腚,拿了50美元就出去玩了。

That was a mistake.
‘Fast forward like 2 hours and my ass becomes an inferno. I think it’s a combination of the spicy shit I took and the fact that I wiped a bit quicker than usual,’ he added.

2个小时后,我的屁屁开始变成人间地狱,既是因为辣椒的缘故,也是因为屁股擦得太快。但跟朋友在一起总不能去挠□□吧,我觉得自己迫切需要一些婴儿湿巾和一个冷水澡。

‘Regardless I can’t wipe it now that I’m hanging out with friends, I need to use baby wipes or take a cold shower or something. It starts off bad but as the hangout progresses so does the pain. by the end of the night my asshole feels like Satan himself is ripping it to shreds. It hurt to sit, it hurt to stand and by god it hurt when I occasionally had to fart.

‘I tried to have a good night and pretend nothing was wrong but the fact that the sun itself was exiting my pooper really put a damper on my mood. I got home late at night, a lot later than usual and before I could even say anything to my parents I ran to the bathroom to soothe my raw anus.

但约会还是继续进行着,而我的屁屁却越来越痛。晚上约会结束时,我感觉像有妖怪在吞噬自己的□□。坐也疼,站也疼,不小心放屁时也很疼。

当天晚上我很晚才回到家,比平时要晚得多。我还没来得及跟父母说句话,就跑到浴室洗□□去了。

‘I pulled down my pants and began to spray the coldest water imaginable at my butt. At first the contrast between hot and cold hurt, but as I adjusted it became heaven.

‘I began slowly cleaning my ass with a bodywash and shampoo mixture and it felt utterly amazing, the closest thing I can compare it too is a angel kissing your ass.

我脱下裤子,用最冷的水冲□□。滚烫的□□遇上冰凉的水可不是什么舒服的事情,但调节水温之后,那简直就是人间天堂。在沐浴露的爱抚下,我仿佛看到天使在亲吻我的后庭。

‘Little did I know I forgot to lock the door in the rush. With my hand rubbing my ass, my eyes closed and letting out a soft satisfying moan my mother walked in.’

然鹅我忘了关门!妈妈走进来时,我正闭着眼睛发出满足的□□声。

Sidenote: Why is the mom walking in when you’re taking a shower?
‘She was probably worried because I never come home and ran to shower that fast, I made it a habit to say hi to her when I came back, so her concern was understandable,’ he said.

事后想想,她应该很担心我。因为我从来没有回到家后就直接跑去洗澡,通常我都会跟他们打声招呼,所以我完全理解她。

‘Still I can only imagine the look on her face as I basically fingered myself. I only realized when it was too late and she had left to tell my dad.

‘I quickly scrambled to get out of the shower and I heard my mom downstairs, crying on the couch while my dad consolidated her.

‘I heard her say something along the lines of, “now how will we ever have grandchildren?”.’

但我现在只能想象她看到我将手指插进□□里时的表情,因为在我意识到事情不对的时候,她已经出去了。我仓皇地穿好衣服冲出浴室,接着便听到她在楼下沙发上哭泣,我爸坐在旁边安慰她。在他们的交谈中,我听到母上大人说了一句“这下我们要不了孙子了!”

‘Now I’m sitting in my room trying to plan out my course of action but waiting has probably worried them more…hopefully my family will understand before they call all of my relatives.’

现在我正坐在房间里想着接下来该怎么办,但显然等待会让他们更加焦虑,我此刻唯一的愿望就是他们能不要那么快把亲戚们通知个遍。

小e英语