我年轻时代的三个阶段 Three Periods of My Youth

2021年1月23日
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我年轻时代的三个阶段 Three Periods of My Youth

About the twelfth year of my age, my father being abroad, my mother reproved me for some misconduct, to which I made an undutiful reply. And The next first-day, as I was with my father returning from meeting, he told me that he understood I had behaved amiss to my mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. I knew myself blamable, and in shame and confusion remained silent. Being thus awakened to a sense of my wickedness, I felt remorse in my mind, and on getting home I retired and prayed to the Lord to forgive me, and I do not remember that I ever afterwards spoke unhandsomely to either of my parents, however foolish in some other things.

在我十二岁时,有一次适逢父亲出门,母亲因我做错了事责备于我,我却对母亲出言不逊。而后的一个周日,当我同父亲一起参加完聚会回家时,父亲告诉我他知道了我对母亲忤逆言行,希望我能在今后有所改过;当时我深知自己所犯的过错,在惭愧与惶惑中我无言以对。到家后,我心中的罪恶感顿时涌上心头。懊悔之余独自祷告,祈求能够得到上帝的宽恕。此后,虽然做过一些愚蠢的事情,但我未曾再对父母说出不逊的话。

Having attained the age of sixteen, I began to love wanton company and though I was preserved from profane language or scandalous conduct, still I perceived a plant in me which produced much wild grapes; my merciful Father did not, however, forsake me utterly, but at times, through his grace, I was brought seriously to consider my ways; and the sight of my backsliding affected me with sorrow, yet for want of rightly attending to the reproofs of instruction, vanity was added to vanity, and repentance to repentance. Upon the whole, my mind became more and more alienated from the truth, and I hastened toward destruction. While I meditate on the gulf towards which I traveled, and reflect on my youthful disobedience, my heart is affected with sorrow.

到了十六岁时,我开始喜欢结交狐朋狗友,虽能避免那些污秽的言行,但我自知在内心深处滋长了一株结满野果的植物。只是上帝并未完全抛弃我,我时常借着上帝的恩典自我反省。灵性上的堕落使我非常苦恼,但如果缺少一颗接受谴责之心,一切都是徒然。总之,我的灵性开始日益偏离正道,朝向毁灭之途去了。每逢回想到自己过去所走的弯道以及年幼时叛逆的性格,我都悔恨不已。

Thus time passed on; my heart was replenished with mirth and wantonness, while pleasing scenes of vanity were presented to my imagination, till I attained the age of eighteen years, near which time I felt the judgments of God in my soul, like a consuming fire, and looking over my past life the prospect was moving. I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those vanities; then again my heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a sore conflict. At times I turned to folly, and then again sorrow and confusion took hold of me. In a while I resolved totally to leave off some of my vanities, but there was a secret reserve in my heart of the more refined part of them, and I was not low enough to find true peace. Thus for some months I had great troubles and Thus quite; there were meany on unsubjected, which rendered my labors fruitless. At length, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was made to bow down in spirit before the most time. I remember one evening I had spent some time in reading a pious author, and walking out alone I humbly prayed to the Lord for his help, that I might be delivered from all those vanities which so ensnared me. Thus being brought low, he helped me, and as I learned to bear the cross I felt refreshment to come from his presence, but not keeping in that strength which gave victory I lost ground again, the sense of which greatly affected me. and I sought deserts and lonely places, and there with tears did confess my sins to God and humbly craved his help. And I may say with reverence, he was near to me in my troubles, and in those times of humiliation opened my ear to discipline.

随着时间的流逝,我心中又充满了放荡欢乐之情,尽管源自想象的愉悦之景仅仅只是一片虚幻而已。直到十八岁那年,我开始觉得灵魂深处上帝对我的审判犹如烈火一般,忆往昔,种种场景仍历历在目。这时候我常常觉得悲哀,希望能摆脱一切虚幻生活,可是不久又动摇了,我的内心再次倾向于那些毫无意义的东西,此刻我陷入极端矛盾之中。有时我愚蠢不堪,有时内心又被悔恨与惶惑所执。不久我决心放弃一些虚妄的生活,但心底里又想偷偷地保留着那比较有趣的一部分,因我谦卑之心不够,所以不能找到真正的平静。几个月来,我心中极为烦恼;内心不肯顺服,一切努力均属徒然。最终在上帝不断的启迪之下,在大多数时候我都怀着一颗谦卑之心。我曾记得某夜我花时间读了一部宗教文学作品,当独自在外面散步时我祈求能够得到上帝的指点,使我可以脱离这些困惑我心的虚妄生活;在虔诚中我得到了上帝的帮助。当我学会忍受苦难时,在上帝面前就觉得心神爽快,然而当我未能维持好那得胜的力量而跌倒时,心中十分痛苦。我找到一片荒僻处,流着泪向上帝忏悔自己的罪行,并且谦卑地呼求上帝的帮助。我可以虔敬地说,当我在患难时上帝就在我身旁;当我蒙羞时是上帝开启我的听力,使我在接受训诫。

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